soulchaser

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The guide books seem to put Ecuador’s industrial hub on a par with Milton Keynes and Hull on their list of must see places. They make walking through the city centre at night sound tantamount to dressing up as a small deer, dousing yourself with Eau d’fresh meat and attempting to suckle from a sleeping lioness’s teat. As ever, you should read what they have to say with the same air of amusement as when scanning over some old war propaganda…

I admit it’s not the most amazing place you’ll ever visit, but considering the fact that most people enter and exit Ecuador through Guayaquil, you will probably end up here at some point, so I’m here to tell you that it’s worth checking out, and that it is no more dangerous than any other large city in South America, or for that matter, the World. So stay in the centre and enjoy what it has to offer.

It is situated on the coast, next to the river Guayas, and maintains a constant temperature of about 35°C all year. Between April and November not a drop of rain will fall, December through March will be pretty drizzly. It has a long history of rivalry with Quito because most of the money created here ends up in the bureaucratic capital, and there is still a group campaigning for the independence of the lowland region, similar to the Cornish freedom fighters except that Guayaquil would be a lot richer without Quito whereas Cornwall wouldn’t have enough money to feed all the freeloading wannabe Aussie surfer louts for a week without London and would eventually shrivel up and die and have to be surgically amputated from the rest of England to prevent infection.

To start earning even more money the Mayor of Guaya invested heaps of cash into improving the city centre to attract the dollars of tourists who were previously just passing through. What has been created is a shameless façade but will undoubtedly attract those tourist dollars and they might be put to use making some more fundamental changes to the city (please, don’t laugh). The biggest project was the transforming of the riverside promenade from a putrid, scum nurturing haven for drugs and crime, into a 2 mile long walkway called the Malecón, complete with pleasant gardens, bars, restaurants, a cinema and IMAX, ice cream stands and hordes of sultry female guards wearing tight, figure hugging uniforms and high heels.

If you ask me, it’s a little too nice, too clean and sterile, but the women guards make lovely distractions from all that pleasantness and you can have great fun by finding new ways of making them whistle at you; kissing, for example, is not allowed on the Malecón.

Another big renovation project was Las Peñas, a hillside shanty town overlooking the city and named after a sort of party they used to have in their shacks. Again, it’s been cleaned up, given guards and licensing hours and even numbers on the steps to take the fun out of counting them. But the view from the top of the false lighthouse and the cool breeze at the summit are worth the walk up, and the cheap bars that line the steps are worth the walk down.

The “Iguana Park” is a nice shady place to hide in the midday heat, but beware of being shit bombed by iguanas in the trees. This is also the location of the gothic style cathedral, and there are numerous museums in the surrounding streets, of which, Nahim Issais and the Museu Municipal are worth a look. The latter is free but you need ID.

So there you have it. I told you it’s nothing amazing, but it’s hardly Gotham City either.

<<< Ecuador >>>